Here are some funny statements made in court:

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've

forgotten?

-

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he

woke that

 morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the

voodoo or

 occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and

blue lights

 flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he

 doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't

you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

notice

 which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go

to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

the

autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

somewhere.

Q: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina

show?

A: There were traces of semen.

Q: Male semen?

A: That's the only kind I know of.

Q: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?

A: I refuse to answer that question.

Q: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?

A: I refuse to answer that question.

Q: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?

A: No.

Q: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did

you observe

 with respect to your scalp?

A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.

Q: It was covered?

A: Yes. Bandaged.

Q: Then, later on, what did you see?

A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put

on top

 of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."

WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."

CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."

WITNESS: That's right.

CLERK: Repeat it.

WITNESS: "Repeat it".

CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.

WITNESS: What you said when?

CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."

WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."

CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."

WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!

CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."

WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.

CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the

truth

and..."

WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."

CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".

WITNESS: Okay.

(Witness remains silent.)

CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: Yes.

CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?

WITNESS: Yes.

CLERK: Well? Do so.

WITNESS: You're confusing me.

CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".

WITNESS: Okay. I understand.

CLERK: Then say it.

WITNESS: What?

CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.

CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!

CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The",

"Truth".

WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?

CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.

WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."

CLERK: Thank you.

WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

Q: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse

down the

footpath to the cow-shed?

A: I did.

Q: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?

A: I did.

Q: And did you observe anything?

A: I did. (Witness remains silent.)

Q: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?

A: I saw George.

Q: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?

A: Yes.

Q: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?

A: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)

Q: Well, would you kindly do so?

A: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.

Q: His "thing"?

A: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.

Q: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were

sober,

 you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?

A: Yes.

Q: Did you say anything to him?

A: Of course I did!

Q: What did you say to him?

A: "Morning, George." 

Judge: I know you, don't I?

  Defendant: Uh, yes.

  Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

  Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

  Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

  Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

  From a defendant representing himself...

  Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?

  Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.

  Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

  Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the

  defendant?

  Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

  Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?

  Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.

  Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.

  Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at

  birth too.

  Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand...

  Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you

  sustained while at work?

  Plaintiff: Dr. J.

  Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?

  Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he

  was a good plaintiff's doctor.

  Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this

  case?

  Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

  Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

  Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

  Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.

  Witness: I didn't see no fight.

  Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.

  Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men

  swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other,

  and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the

  other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else

  drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that

  had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with

  yelling and smoke and bullets.

  Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?

  Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the

  navel.

  Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

  Judge: And why is that?

  Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.

  Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the

  defendant's motion?

  Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

  Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.

  Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.

  Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?

  Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your

  name. Not a damn thing.

  Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you

  anything to say in your defense?

  Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

  Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I

  address the Court?

  Judge: Of course.

  Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?

  Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days

  in jail.

  Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?

  Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against

  thinking.

  Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.