In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
On a movie theater: Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child.
In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed
In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In a toy department: Five Santa clauses, no waiting.
On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
On military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel
On a display of "You're my one and only" valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan
In a clothing store: Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks
In a men's clothing store: 15 mens wool suits -- $10.00. They won't last an hour!
On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: Archery tournament. Ears pierced.
In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel/No End
In the window of a general store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come right here?
In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends
In a New Jersey restaurant: Open
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
On the grounds of a private school: No trespassing without permission
In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away
In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
Pacific Coast Highway, somewhere in S. California:No motorized bicycles, horses or dogs allowed on pier
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 SovietRepublic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extrcted by the latest Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking.
Here speeching American.
Italian Hotel Brochure: This hotel is renowned for its piece and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.
Rome hotel: Fire! It is what can doing, we hope. No fear. Not ourselves. Say quickly to all people coming up down everywhere a prayer. Always is a clerk. He is assured of safety by expert men who are in the bar for telephone for the fighters of the fire to come out.
Polish Tourist Brochure: As for the tripes serves you at the Hotel Monopol, you will be singing its praise to your children as you lie on your deathbed.
French Hotel: A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trouser.
French Restaurant Menu: Extract of fowl, peached or sunnyside up.
French Swimming Pool: Swimming is forbidden in absence of the Savior.
Spanish Hotel Ad: The provision of a large French widow in every room adds to the visitors comfort.
Madrid Restaurant Menu: Tarts of the house.
Madrid Hotel: Peoples will left the room at of tomorrow in place of not which will be more money for hole day.
Athens Restaurant Menu: Chopped cow with a wire through it. *Bowels in sauce** *shish-kebab **tripe
At a Santa Fe, NM gas station: "No gas will be sold to anyone in a glass container". I have a photo of it in my office.
At a San Diego, CA department store: "For your convenience and safety, the restrooms are located through the lingerie department." I don't have a clue about this one. Unfortunately, I didn't have a camera. I _almost_ stole the sign, but chickened out.
On Interstate 5 in San Diego, one of those big green signs reads: "CruiseShipsUseAirport Exit."
Ski Resort Austria:Going beyond this point may result in death and/or loss of skiing privileges.
A French radio station closed its programming day with this note: "We hope you have enjoyed our nocturnal emissions and will be with us tomorrow for more."
When a French Canadian politician was applauded by an American audience, he beamed, "l thank you for giving my wife and me the clap! I thank you from the heart of my bottom!"
A notice in a Madras, India, newspaper proclaimed, "Our editors are colleged and write like the Kipling and the Dickens."
In The Moscow Times an ad under the heading "interpreting" advised, "bet us your letter of business translation do. Every people in our staffing know English like the hand of their back. Up to the minuet wise-street phrases, don't you know, old boy."
IN A SARAJEVO HOTEL: Guests should announce abandonment of their rooms before 12 o'clock, emptying the room at the latest until 14 o'clock for the use of the room before 5 at the arrival after the 16 o'clock at the departure will be billed as one more night.
Hotel in Weifang, China: Invisible service is available for your rest not being disturbed.
From a hotel brochure in Qindgao: Hua Tian Hotel is among the few best foreign affairs hotels.
OF In the brochure of an Italian hotel in the dolomites area: Standing among savage scenery, the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a French widow in every room. We can offer you a commodious chamber, with balcony imminent to a romantic gorge. We hope you want to drop in. In the close village you can buy jolly memorials for when you pass away.
In a brochure promoting a Sorrento hotel: Syrene Bellevue Hotel joins a modern functional equipment with a distinguished and smart style of the 18th century. It is located on the seas, far off the centre a few minutes afoot and owing to a number of gardens and sunny terraces, guarantee is given for an ideal stay in stillness and absolute rest. The restaurant salon with a large view of the Gulf of Naples, a restaurant service with a big choice, the private beach to be reached by a lift from inside directly, complete the undiscussable peculiarities of this unit.
From a Venezuelan travel brochure: In this Expedition you will know the highets waterfall in the world. From Canaima, through the Sabana, the Jungles and the rivers Carrao and Churun, you'll enjoy one of the biggets emotions of this life. And the facilities Camp. Guides as natives, all experts, will bring you trough troubles waters, just where a few have made it. Be you one of them. Meals in open fire never taste so goo.
On a “family style” restaurant in Hong Kong ": Come Broil Yourself at Your own Table.
On a Chinese menu: Mr. Zheng and his fellowworkers like to meet you and entertain you with their hostility and unique cooking techniques.
On another Chinese menu: Special cocktails for women with nuts
On a Greek menu: Spleen omelet, fisherman's crap soup, calf pluck, bowels
Outside a Mexico City disco: Members and Non-Members Only
Sign on a ferry in San Juan harbor: In case of emergency, the lifeguard are under the seat in the center of the vessel.
In a jewelers window in India: We shoot earholes.
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.
In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
On the menu of a restaurant:Blackened bluefish
On the walls of a Baltimore estate:Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy
In a New York drugstore:We dispense with accuracy.
In a New York medical building:Mental HealthPreventionCenter
In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers:Parking for birds only.
In a laundry room:Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage.
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago:Do not activate with wet hands.
In a New Hampshire jewelry store:Ears pierced while you wait.
A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin:Crap - .79/lb.
At a number of US military bases:Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
>From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket:If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.
On a delicatessen wall:Our best is none too good
On a roller coaster:Watch your head
In downtown Boston:Callahan Tunnel / No end.
A sign on a front yard in York, Maine:Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night.
