PLEASE HOLD!

Now you can take your Cell Phone back to a less complicated era... the 1950s. It was a time of innocence. A time of exploration. A time of hiding under your desk, practicing for a nuclear bomb to drop on your head.

And during that time, people used big, clunky phones with clunky handsets.

Well, we can't bring back atomic paranoia, but we can offer you this ridiculous retro Cell Phone Handset! It's an actual working handset for your cell phone that looks just like the one Ozzie and Harriet might have used. (Kids, if you don't know who Ozzie and Harriet are -- they were two U.S. Senators who discovered a cure for polio.)

$19.99

BACON STRIPS ADHESIVE BANDAGES!

Sound ridiculous? Well, it is, but that doesn't mean you can't do it.

Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages are genuine sterile bandages that look like strips of raw bacon. Why purchase a pathetic Band-Aid or paltry Curad, when you can put some pork on your punctured pinky? (It took us two hours to write the previous line, but I think you'll agree it was worth it.)

Each Bacon Strip Bandage is 3" x 1" and is die-cut, so the edges are bacon-like, too. They come in decorative metal tin, and you get 15 bandages in each one. Plus, as an added bonus, there is a free toy inside each tin to help brighten your day.

With something this stupid on your injury, you can't help but feel a little better.

$4.95

MOTHER TERESA
BREATH MIST

Admit it, sinners -- You need all the help you can get. You've been up to god knows what, and there's no indication you'll be changing your evil ways any time soon. But even though salvation might be out of reach, saintly-fresh breath is still within your grasp if you use Mother Teresa Breath Mist.

Mother Teresa was among the most compassionate people to ever walk the planet. So shouldn't YOU show a little compassion for others, too, and freshen up that breath of yours? The Breath Mist has a heavenly peppermint flavor that will make you welcome anywhere from a cocktail party to the slums of Calcutta. (And if you can find a cocktail party IN the slums of Calcutta, you'll be doubly blessed!)

$4.99

This gum has no flavor. It is as pointless as life itself. As unsatisfying as your empty shell of an existence. Like everything else on this wretched planet, it is a dead end. A black hole. A bottomless pit of missed opportunity and shattered dreams.

If you agree with any of the above statements, then Nihilist gum is for you. (If you agree with ALL of the statements, then stop reading this page and seek professional help immediately .)

Nihilist Chewing Gum does not taste like cherries or grapes. It does not taste like peppermint or wintergreen or spearmint. It does not taste like anything because it's devoid of flavor. It contains no artificial flavoring and no natural flavoring because it has no flavor. None. Zilch. Nada. It is somewhat sweet, but that's about it. The gum comes in a minimalist black box, which contains 14 pieces.

Yes, Nihilist gum really has no reason to exist. But if you're a Nihilist, you don't think anything exists anyway so what difference does it make. Perhaps the most remarkable thing about Nihilist Chewing Gum is that it manages to be funny and depressing at the same time.

Price: $1.75

CRAZY CAT LADY ACTION FIGURE

It starts innocently enough... You find a little kitten on your doorstep and "rescue" it. Then, somehow, another cat comes along, and you take that one in, too. Then another. And another. Before long, you look in the mirror and... OH MY GOD!!! You're a Crazy Cat Lady!!!!

If this doesn't describe you, then you surely know someone who does fit this frightening scenario.

The people who designed The Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure certainly must know such a person. Because this bizarre toy captures the Cat Lady Phenomenon to a "T."

There she stands -- ratty bathrobe, checked pajama bottoms, headband, wild hair, and a fanatical look on her face. And she's surrounded by six cats that own her heart and soul.

The Crazy Cat Lady stands 5-1/4" tall and can be posed however you like.

Yes, you may be tempted to laugh at the Crazy Cat Lady. But, be warned, one day that Cat Lady may be yourself.

Price: $10.95

CHE'S REVOLUTIONARY LIP BALM

So protect yourself with Che's Revolutionary Lip Balm. This guava flavored balm is 100% natural, containing such progressive ingredients as sweet almond oil, shea butter, and evening primrose. We're not sure if it has sun block, but we know it has soviet block!

Each little tub contains 3 grams of lip balm and features the portrait of Che that's made him the heartthrob of the people's movement.

So quit Stalin, and buy some today!

$3.99

DESKTOP BEACH

Picture yourself on a pristine beach, with tropical breezes blowing through your hair and warm virgin sand between your toes. Close your eyes and imagine the sound of seagulls in the distance. Now... wait a minute... you're not closing your eyes! You couldn't be reading this if they were closed.

So much for audience participation.

Now you can escape to the beach without ever leaving your desk.

Price $9.99!

BASKET CASE

If you've been searching for a way to look like an idiot, your quest is over. Meet...

BASKET CASE

Basket Case is basically a basketball hoop hat. The goal of the game is to toss red and white balls into the air and catch them in the net on top of your head.

There's no way you can avoid looking like an imbecile as you play this game. Naturally, this makes Basket Case is a terrific party game. Just pray that nobody has a camcorder or camera when it's your turn to play it.

It comes with everything you see, including the stupid box. Dignity not included.

Price: $8.99

MEAT AIR FRESHNER

If you want to really know what makes our bacon sizzle, just sizzle some bacon. Mmmmmmm. That's the ticket.

Now you can get air fresheners that capture the fragrance you really crave... MEAT!

Imagine filling your bedroom with the alluring smell of a barbecued steak. Or climbing into your car to encounter the heavenly scent of smoked bacon.

It's all possible with these

Funky Fresh Meat-Scented
Air Fresheners

We tested them out, and the Bacon kicked up a subtle smoked-meat smell. And the Steak Scented Air Freshener has made our Stupid cubicles smell like mini Outback Steakhouses!

Get both Meat Scented Air Fresheners for just $4.99!

INSTANTLY UNDERSTAND
MODERN ART SPRAY

First , let's see if you even need this product...

This painting by Paul Klee illustrates... a) An insane lollipop. b) Charlie Brown on acid. c) The failure of our public schools' art program.

Pablo Picasso painted this during his... a) Blue Period b) Green Period c) Colonoscopy

After Jackson Pollack completed this painting, he... a) Sold it for 12 million dollars. b) Took off the blindfold. c) Was sued by a 4-year-old for stealing her design.

If you answered any of these incorrectly, you could benefit from the Instantly Understand Modern Art Spray. This amazing invention is so useful, it's almost surreal.

For instance, study the painting above. Admit it... you don't have a clue what it's trying to say. But if you took a shot of the Understand Modern Art Spray, you may realize that the long line stands for the infinite potential of mankind. And the short line stands for Cincinnati.

Naturally, the results from the spray vary from person to person, but there's no telling what insight it might trigger. You may not become smarter, but you'll feel smarter, and that's what really matters.

The Understand Modern Art Instantly Spray has a tasty peppermint flavor, that will leave your breath fresher than Parisian water lilies. So put your Monet where your mouth is and buy some today!

Price: $4.99

Rejoice, spaghetti lovers! Your pasta prayers have been answered!

Thanks to this remarkably pointless new invention, you can now avoid the drudgery of having to twirl your own spaghetti.

With the Motor-Powered Self-Twirling Spaghetti Fork, all you have to do is switch it on, jab it into a bowl of pasta, and watch the fork do all the hard work.

The Self-Twirling Spaghetti Fork is so well-designed, it works with Linguini, Fetucinni, and Angle Hair Pasta too! Hard to believe, but true nevertheless.

The fork operates on two AA batteries (not included) and twirls at 22 revolutions per minute. (According to the Institutei de Parma, this is the optimal speed for spaghetti twirling.) Unfortunately, you still have to lift to fork to your mouth, but they're working on that, too.

Price: $9.99